August 23, 2012 by Carli McKinney
Over the last few weeks and months I’ve been grappling with thoughts around this whole stay-at-home mom thing as well as what I plan on “doing” with myself. Obviously I’m taking care of my son, my house, my family and myself, but I am missing out on the intellectual stimulation. But let me back up a bit first….
Recently a few friends have made tremendous strides in their professional lives. One dear friend received a promotion. Another passed her doctorate test to be a licensed psychologist. Another landed a killer job in the field I used to practice. All these things are fabulous and wonderful. I really couldn’t be happier for them. I shared every moment of excitement with them and will continue to celebrate their successes. But here’s the interesting part, I wasn’t jealous for even one second of the one who landed the dream job in my previous field — like at all.
Why, you ask?
Because it wasn’t me.
That job, that life, it wasn’t suited for me. Sure I can do it, but I lacked the passion and the heart. I lacked the drive. Sure I could put the drive on and do it, but I also struggled with it. And quite frankly, I often times saw it as a bunch of bullsh*t. There. I said it. One way to describe it was simply being a part of the spin machine and when I look deeper into my feelings about me in that role, it is more focused around the fact that I was bullsh*tting myself. I wasn’t being true to myself. I was lying. I had gone off course — way off course. Like 10 years off course. Crap.
Coming to terms with this has been fairly easy, however coming to terms with it publicly hasn’t been. Part of my hang up occurs when people ask me, well, what are you going to do? You’re not going to be a stay at home mom forever, are you? Obviously not. But aren’t you going to loose your game? How are you going to stay on top of things? You should consult.
While all of these are extremely valid and thoughtful, caring comments, that’s simply not who I am. That job was so not me in so many ways. That’s not to say that I don’t think I can work and be a mom. I most certainly can. But I can’t work doing that and be a mom. When I left my job it was because I was done selling out. Period.
So, coming back to all of my friends’ recent successes. Hurray for them! Hurray for me! With these successes I finally see and truly know that what they’re doing is not for me. I feel as though I’m breaking through this spell and finally see the light. I finally have the freedom to focus on my passion and make my passion my job.
But what is my passion, you ask?
If you’ve been following this blog (there isn’t too much to follow at this point), it’s writing. I’m making writing my job.
But what about money? Are you going to freelance?
Right now I’m not concerned about money. And, no, I’m not going to freelance. Because that’s not me either. It’s a distraction. Part of my previous job was writing for other people and I’m done doing that too. While I love writing, I don’t loathe that kind of writing. However, I’m going to write just as fast and furiously as my son tackles his milestones. I will fine time and make time amid all my other “jobs” here at home. I’m going to make this writing thing my job. This isn’t to say that I might not freelance in the future, but for this next year 100% of my working brain will be focused on writing.
So the blog is your job.
No, it’s just the motivation and reminder to write. Because even if I don’t sit down to practice my craft, then that means you all best be hearing from me in some capacity. I hope that capacity to be 3-4 times per week, but we shall see.
So, there you go. That’s me in a nutshell. This is my new “job.”