Raising Mayhem

Navigating life, one crazy adventure at a time.
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  • Tag: authentic self

    • Busy is as busy does

      Posted at 1:55 pm by Carli McKinney, on December 11, 2014

      Recently we’ve been busy. We’ve been living our busy little lives where I pick up food off the floor a billion times a day in an effort to combat the constant threat of obese dogs that are under-walked and mightily overfed from dropped toddler foods.

      I’ve been busy cleaning. Constantly cleaning the floors that are filthy with dust and dog hair and sometimes dog urine because Jupi is getting old and I can’t tell if he’s simply incontinent (which is likely) or because he’s pissed for lack of attention (also likely).

      I’ve been busy thinking of all the to-dos and writing the lists to be done. And all of it… it’s just busy with stuff. Busy paying bills, doing laundry, going to the grocery store, changing diapers, washing dishes and changing more diapers… all to keep life going in a direction that is hopefully forward. The only thing that proves we are moving is how big the boys are getting and how many more lines my face captures and the constant addition of grays to my mane.

      It’s busy. It’s hard. And it’s insane-making with these little guys.

      Then this thought happened: recently I had a revelation that I might be a lazy stay-at-home mom because I have Thad in preschool four full days a week. This realization came to me when I noticed that I’m picking him up around the same time the parents who actually have jobs are picking up their kids. Then I started to feel like a real jerk and talked to the hubs about making cutting back Thad’s hours because why was he there for full days at 3 years old? Last year I needed it because we didn’t really have any other options, but this year I can handle it, right? I’m now a seasoned mama of three, three years and under, so I should have this.

      I should, but sometimes I don’t. It’s insane-making. But then I miss him and feel guilty. However, I’m not sure if I’ll ever have this because things will constantly change. These boys (big and small) will continue to need me in certain ways and wring me out again and again. But this is just life. It’s never easy, certainly not pretty, but it can honestly be beautiful.

      There will always be busy days and there are just more of them ahead. It’s just up to me to breathe through them and hope for the best. I can do my best, but some days hoping is all I’ve got. Most days I simply hope for Mark to get home. Then I hope for bed time (theirs and mine).

      Last year when the twins were first born my best friend told me what her mom and her mom’s best friend used to do at the end of the day — they used to call each other and say, “No one died. It was a good day.” A few months back, while changing my umpteenth poopy diaper and trying to keep Kai from launching himself off the changing table, I said out-loud to myself, “No one died. It was a good day.” And then I thought, I’m here. This is my life and I don’t know how I’m doing this. I guess I’m doing this because Thad is in school and I’ve had my mom to help and run over like she did yesterday so I could go fill sandbags in the event our basement stairs should become a mini flash-flood zone today.

      I really don’t have an answer to any of this.

      I just know I’m tired.

      And busy.

      And blessed. Very blessed.

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      Posted in Adventures in Mommyhood, Not Another Mommy Blogger, Random Crap | 2 Comments | Tagged authentic self, mom blog, Mom Job, Mom Transition, motherhood
    • Follow Your Fancy

      Posted at 2:05 pm by Carli McKinney, on September 25, 2014

      Ian Ross GalleryLast night my husband and I enjoyed an unheard of mid-week date night in the City to attend a soft-opening of a new installation at a gallery. Yes, this may have been a bold move, even for me. Heading to bed well past my bedtime on a weeknight is not a good idea. But we did it, and it was great.

      Rewind to about 11 years ago. I was living in the City. I was living paycheck to paycheck, and having the time of my life — just as any recent college grad should. My friend Beth and I met a crew of guys from Marin who also recently graduated and were figuring things out too. They were fun. We had a blast. Then we all moved on. I moved to Mexico for a few months, then down to Santa Cruz. I would run into one of the guys, Will, in Santa Cruz, as he had relocated there for a little while too. Over the years I would also run into Ian, who for many years was a struggling artist making ends meet as a bartender.

      Fast-forward to today and Ian is now a well-known artist (he’s done a few murals at Facebook HQ, as the Zuckerbergs really took to him) and he now owns his own gallery, Ian Ross Gallery — the one we went to last night.  Meanwhile Will is celebrating the 10th Anniversary of his Marin surf shop, ProofLab… and what better way to celebrate the big anniversary than with an installation at Ian’s gallery! We saw some great pieces (some we may have fallen in love with), so check it out if you’re up that way.

      These two guys are an inspiration. They remind me to do good and follow my fancy. They did it and they are proof that with dedication and LOTS of elbow grease, anything is possible. Will is doing some amazing things at ProofLab and is very community focused — which I love.  I’m so stoked for him and proud of both of these guys.

      Lesson of the day: Good things come to those who work their asses off.

      The End.

      Posted in Random Crap, Valley Living | 1 Comment | Tagged authentic self
    • And Just Like That, I’m Back

      Posted at 1:30 pm by Carli McKinney, on September 17, 2014

      So… I took a break. But now I’m back.

      I’m not sure if I’ll ever share why I took such a long break from this blog, because I haven’t figured out how to say it just yet. I had a really surreal and bizarre “writing” experience… so I’ll just leave it at that. However, I’m back, and that’s all that matters.

      Crazy things have happened, most all of them amazing too! The twins are nearly one (?!?!) and we are still alive! All of us! We just about made it through this first blurry year.

      Recently I’ve been getting a lot of treatments done. Some chiropractic work, some acupuncture, and most recently a massage. Opposite of most people, I end up spending my time chatting up my practitioners because I enjoy talking to people and hearing their stories. That, and I also freak myself out when it’s too quiet thinking that whomever has their hands on me can read my mind and knows what I’m thinking. So, unless I’m ready to pass out, I talk. And talk. And talk.

      Other than finding out that my life is perpetually messing with my back, the resounding comments from the various practitioners (and friends, and family) I’ve seen is that I just need to write. And while I’ve been writing and working on my novel, I am recommitting to this writing life by giving to as much as I can, even here. This is also perfect timing for me. There is something renewing about the seasons changing (though it’s still hot here and I’m constantly in shorts and tanks). Right now I’m also doing a fitness and clean eating challenge through The Dailey Method Willow Glen, so it’s perfect timing to renew good habits and ditch the bad ones, like procrastination.

      So there you have it.

      Not really exciting, but necessary.

      Besides a post out of no where without referencing my long, long hiatus would be totally random.

      Posted in Adventures in Mommyhood, Fit Living, Random Crap | 3 Comments | Tagged authentic self, confession
    • Time to Get Real: Why Being Authentic is the Best Lesson for Our Kids

      Posted at 1:13 pm by Carli McKinney, on February 13, 2013

      TimeToGetRealSeveral years ago a good friend passed along Dr. Madeline Levine’s book, The Price of Privilege (Harper Collins, 2006) and since then, I admittedly have not read it even though we talk about it all the time. After she mentioned it for the millionth time a few weeks ago, I decided to get started on it. Not because I’m looking for a parenting book, and not because I feel as though I’m failing as a parent (hardly), but because I’m interested in this crazy phenomenon I’m seeing all around me and I think the two are connected.

      What’s this phenomenon, you ask? Simple. Real and authentic people/parents/moms (in particular) are starting to disappear.

      With the days of Facebook as the new way to socialize — and let’s face it, show off — and Pinterest, and Instagram, and Flickr and what-have-you (yes, I use all of these) more and more I’m finding that people are presenting the best selves or possibly their imagined selves. Their perfect self. The modern day June Cleaver. Back in September I wrote about my slow departure from Facebook because I was exhausted from the nonsense of it all. Then this week I saw another mom feel the same way and explain it more eloquently than I did. As Rachel Marie Martin so solidly addresses on her blog Finding Joy, there seems to be a shortage of authentic moms. Somewhere in the last few decades people stopped being real and everyone is feeling they have to be better, do better, and show better than their neighbor.

      But at what cost?

      Personal sanity, for one. Who really has the time to be perfect? Who really has the time and money to have a perfect house that’s perfectly clean, perfectly decorated and perfectly organized? What are we giving up when we give up our authentic selves? And as Rachel points out in her blog, when moms keep up the allusion of perfection, all they are doing is isolating themselves and actually disconnecting from their neighbors, other moms and themselves.

      Here’s what my 16-month old’s room looks like most days of the week. And this is when I’m trying to get it clean and organized (which only happens once a week, if I’m lucky…). Thad's Mess

      Not only does striving for perfection take a toll on the parents, but it takes a toll on our children.

      Seven years ago Dr. Levine wrote about the consequences the perfection toll has on our kids — and the consequences are alarming. Not only is the culture of inauthenticity unmanageable for parents, particularly mothers, but it’s also completely unmanageable for their children. What Dr. Levine saw in her patients – and after extensive research, nation-wide – was a “lack of the basic foundation of psychological development: an authentic sense of self.”

      While Dr. Levine focuses her studies on the more affluent adolescent population (her client base of Marin County) I would venture to say that seven years later in 2013 we are seeing this protrude even to the less privileged population with the help of the Internet. And please don’t think that the only ones affected are the girls, it’s the boys too.

      Thad Kitchen MessWhat can we do about this? 

      • Take a break. For starters, we can take a break from Facebook. Loads of people are starting to use it less (I think the latest stat was at 60-something %), so I highly doubt you’ll miss anything. 
      • Stop the auto-pilot. If stopping your social usage isn’t realistic then consider how you use it. Start to be real. However, if complaining about your day, the jerk in the parking lot (like my day yesterday) or the puke that landed on your sweatshirt again (like my month has been) isn’t something you’d like to share with your 500+ friends, then give your good friend a call and let her know that you need a shoulder to vent on. For the sake of your self, don’t pretent you’re growing flowers in a snowstorm.
      • Borrow that cup of sugar. For centuries families have lived in tribes and it was always the village raising the kids. Families helped each other — they offered help and gave help freely. It was the norm. If you run out of milk or sugar, don’t hesitate to knock on your neighbor’s door and ask to borrow some. Even if you have to go to a few houses, someone is bound to have some to spare, and they’ll likely be happy to help and connect. Dr. Levine found that the simple action of asking a neighbor for a cup of sugar actually had profound negative effects on children. The children read this as pressure to be perfect and never have to ask for help — even if it was just a cup of sugar.
      • Offer a helping hand. If you see an elderly person who needs help at getting an item off a shelf at the store, or a mom who has her hands full with her kids and she dropped something, stop to help them out. These are all teaching moments for the little ones by your side. And even if your little one isn’t there, this is a solid auto-pilot move to start implementing now. Not only do you get to help someone who’s not expecting it, but you also get a little feel-good boost to boot.

      Be aware. Be conscious. Be authentic. Be the real you.

      Mama's Messy KitcheBeing authentic is a win-win situation. By foregoing the allusion of perfection (believe me, it’s a complete allusion), you can alleviate and let go of the stress on yourself and model a behavior for your children that will have lasting and profound effects.

      I have to admit, this has been a challenge for me. For anyone who knows me, I am slightly OCD and need to have a clean house, amazing meals, a glorious garden, pin-worthy hair, blemish-free skin, and a rockin’ MILF bod. But this is me in my dreams (sans the MILF bod, obviously). Let’s face the facts: I have two hairy dogs (don’t let anyone tell you Goldendoodles don’t shed), a 16-month old son, a husband who works 60-miles from home, a constant disaster of a closet/pantry/laundry room/bathroom cabinet/basement and less and less time to get to the gym or take care of myself the way I did pre-kid. Wrestle Sesh

      But I do have family, I do have amazing neighbors, and the best friends a mom could ever ask for — and I don’t hesitate asking for help when I need it.

      Posted in Adventures in Mommyhood, Not Another Mommy Blogger, The Mom Transition | 2 Comments | Tagged authentic self, life skills, parenting, psychological development, teaching moment
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